6 weeks out!

Wow..... Today has been the day that I have been dreaming about for the past nine years.. I have no idea how to write this and really make you undertand what it has been like.  I regret that some of you know far to well what the past few years have been like.  While I did try to hide the pain as best I could I had begun to really struggle in the past two years to hide the pain from my coworkers, students, family, and friends. I hated that I could not fight it enough to not show how weak I had become.   I started to just go to work come home, not hang out with my friends or family and hide as much as I could.  

In respect to this I want to say how truly sorry I am! I have acted like no persons friends, or family member.   I have had time to think back on the past and truly see how much I did pull away from all of you.  I missed important parts or your lives and important moments that I should have been apart of.  It hurt me then believe me.  I am not in anyway trying to make excuses for myself but I was truly just trying to survive each day.  

Everyday I would wake up and know that it would be no different than it had been yesterday that it may even be worse.  I tried so hard to have a smile on my face for my students.  I tried so hard to hide how bad it really was by smiling or just ignoring the pain.  With only certain people knowing my tricks or secrets for hiding it.  This is why I pulled away I was secretly drowning and did not want to take anyone else with me.   I know that I must have hurt so many people, but I also learned who wouldn't let me push them away.   

Pirc thank you for looking at me everyday and loving me.  Thank you for picking up medicine holding my hand in the hospital.  Trying to hide how scared you were during my brain surgery and telling me that it was always going to be OK.  That we would always work it out.  For kissing me every morning with your positive attitude. I am beyond excited for the future to come.  

  

Mom thank you for understanding! I was lucky enough in an awful way to have someone who understood the pain.  Thank you for being my inspiration for pushing through and not letting this ruin my life.  Thank you for forcing me to make appointments.  Thank you for coming to countless doctors appointments with me.  But most of all thank you for just being my mom and loving me more than any mom could love their kids.  

Dad thank you for planning a trip to distract me.   Thank you for knowing how scared I was and distracting me all summer.  Thank you for making my DREAM come true.  I saw every place I wanted to see before this surgery and in every place we met someone that helped to guide me.  It was as if you were my spirit guide showing me to people and places that made the decision to have this surgery an easier one.   Thank you for spend countless nights in past in the hospital with me.  Thank you for the trips to the ER.  Thank you for all the times that you called the doctors office for me.  Thank you for loving me so much! 

Nick thank you for your ever present positive attitude.  Thank you for sending me quotes and books that got me through some very tough times.  Thank you for telling me that some day we would figure this out.  Thank you for forcing me to do things.  Thank you for encouraging my adventure spirit again.   I loved it this summer.  For all of the trips to the hospital over the year and especially during this past surgery thank you.  But most of all thank you for loving me and being one of my best friends.

Sissy thank you for always explaining things that I do not understand.  Thank you for telling me I had to do things that I did not wan't to.  Thank you for calling EVERY nurse at the hospital to update them about me and to hear my update.  I know that it helped my recovery.   I have been blessed to have you as a sister! 

Brittany thank you for being there always.  Thank you for telling me I was not going crazy even when I felt like I was.  Thank you for understand when I couldn't go out.  Thank you for forcing me to go out when you knew that I could.  Thank you for being my nurse for picking me off the ground.  Thank you for all of the dinners.  But most importantly thank you for the calls, especially right after my surgery! Thank you for visiting right before you went to Spain! Love you so much!

Kelly I don't know someone that makes me laugh as much as you and I need each and every laugh that you created each time.  Thank you for the lunches and dinners and the distractions.  But also thank you for understanding when I couldn't do something.   Thank you for all of the visits recently and coming to the hospital even when I told you not to!

Christine AKA Little Wetzle thank you for all of the visits in the hospital and out.  Thank you for all of the books I needed each and everyone! Thank you for talking about work and challenges in the classroom to distract me.  Thank you for always being a person that will support me!

A Phi's thank you all! Each call, text, and visit meant more to me than you know! You girls are my family and I didn't ever know so many year's ago when I picked the house I would luck out to find so many of you that would love me and take care of me through the years so well.  Thank you for understanding when I couldn't always be where you needed me.  You all have been so wonderful and I love each and everyone of you.  

To my co-workers thank you for the support everyday for so many years. You have seen me at some of my worst times and have had to deal with them.  I thank you for not thinking I was a mental person and for helping me through this hard time.  Thank you for helping to keep me doing what I needed to be doing.  I know that I have not always been the best coworker during this time and some of you have had to help pull the weight that I could not.  Thank you for understanding and being there.  Thank you for protecting me and keeping me sane.  

To my family thank you for all of the support that I have needed during this time.  You have all gone above and beyond.  Thank you for supporting Pirc or Jonathan depending on what side of the family you are.  I have needed both sides and have received support from both sides.  Thank you for supporting my parents, my brother and sister, and of course my husband.   I love you all so very much! 

To my friends that I have not named please do not feel that you are not important! I love you to and thank you so much and I am sorry for not being there more for each one of you!   

EXTRA GOOD NEWS! 

Now if you have made it through all of the crazy thank you's you get to hear my extra good news! The doctors appointment today was all that I could ever ask it to be.  She said that I have healed wonderfully and that everything looks amazing.  I have had no real face pain since before the surgery and that would lead the person I met with to believe that the surgery was a success.  This is now the second doctor to tell me that the surgery is a success too.   I believe that it is time to CELEBRATE!!!!!! All of the other pain I have been having is all normal pain.  I still have 6 weeks before I am totally clear but after that she does not expect to hear from me again!  I am literally crying from being so happy and relieved  right now while I am writing this.   My whole life's corse has just changed.. I know have an exciting future in front of me where anything is possible.   Pirc and I can think about doing things that I did not think we would ever be able to do.   

So bring out the champagne it worked and I am doing great!  I made the right decision!  

I am going to sign off of this blog and start a new one.  The summer is over and it has been amazing! One I will no soon forget! Here is to a bright new school year and life!

4 Week's Post Surgery!!

Happy Anniversary to me!

 Can you believe that it has been four weeks?  I sure can't, I feel that time has flown.  I started school last week and had the feeling all week that I was drowning.   It was extremely stressful and I did not have face pain.  In the past as soon as the stress started to build up so would the pain.  I was so excited that I didn't feel any face pain.   It was really hard to get back into the swing of everything.  I just felt like I could not get on top of the work that I needed to do.   Due to the fact that I missed the institute day there are things I feel that I do not even understand.  Due to the fact that we are doing them in  different day.  I am finally starting to feel that I am coming up to water.  My lesson plans have everything that they need to and my copy's are completed and in the folders that they need to be in.   I have also imputed students grades.  While I am still behind on somethings.  I really am trying to catching up to where everyone else is.

Today I worked out for the first time in over a month.  I know that I was not supposed to, but come on I am dying here.   I did a very baby lite work out.  I did the stairs for 15 minutes but did climb 65 floors in that 15 minutes.  I also did the bike for 10 minutes.  I know that it is not that impressive but it felt so great.   I am experiencing some surgery pain now but NO FACE PAIN.  That is the first time in months that I have worked out easy or other wise and have not felt pain.  I really don't want to say that this surgery may have worked.  But it is sure starting to seem that way.

The Night before......

Tomorrow I start to teach again and it is also my three week mark post surgery.   

Inner thoughts:

I am excited and worried at the same time.  I am so excited to see the kids and my coworkers but am nervous that I am not ready.  I have had three weeks with only pain from the surgery what if I start work and my face starts to hurt.  I no it is really silly but man I am scared.  Like really scared! Not having pain for the first time in months has been amazing.  I literally had a moment today reading on my deck where I thought wow even the sky looks more blue.  This may be because according to John Mertes my coworker I close my eyes real little when I am in pain.  Yesterday I even forgot to take some of my face meds and I was fine.  I didn't have break through pain! When I realized I was so excited.  I mean can you imagine if I could cut down on even more of these meds.   I really don't want to get my hopes up, but I also don't want to be a pessimist.  This could have really worked... I could really live the rest of my life with only a memory of this pain not still living the pain everyday.   

Update:

So as I already said I have not had any zings from my face.  This is the FIRST time in at 6 months that I have not had constant pain........ What does that mean?????? I feel great or I am starting to feel great. Due to the fact that the sergeant had to cut so low. He cut mussel that affected my arm and also the use of it.  I also hold my stress in my shoulders.  So I am very tight.  I have had some problems using my arms or lifting my left arm above my head I have become really good at showering with one hand.  Or mostly using one hand.  I am going to try and go back to my moms misuses that did a really good job of starting to open me up.  I just have to try and find a time to do that. 

Doc's

I will have my next doctors appointment on Thursday morning.  This doctors appointment will be a an appointment to talk about medication and how I will hopefully be decreasing my medicine regime.  

Thank you:

What would I have done with each and everyone of you.  I will be writing another post soon when I can really get into this.  But I feel that I have to say it more.  I could not have done this with out the support of each and everyone of you.  I love you for that even if you are just a friend or even if  I have never met you.  Or if you are one of the people I met during travels.  Thank you for telling me to do this and supporting me during this time.  

Big Day

Well I am finishing off the second week after my surgery.  I will first tell you a little about what has been happening this week.  I have been on the Pain Patch to deal with all of the pain I had been since April.  On Sunday I took the patch off for the first extended period of time.  I have not had a patch on since.  It has been a rough week, all of the pain from the surgery that I was not feel I was all of a sudden feeling.  I was also sick to my stomach.  I am not sure why, my mom says it is because my body was used to having the patch on.  Today has been the first day I have felt myself all week.   On the bright side, I have not felt any nerve pain like I was feeling before.   So that is amazing news.

Today I drove by my self (this was a big thing) to River Grove where I work to drop of my Medical Clearance. It was so great to see everyone that I worked with.  I spent nice time catching up with everyone about all that I have missed during the first week.   Although I was made fun of for my blog! Yes I know they made fun of me for saying LOVELY too much..... I was in other countries where that was being said ALL of the time.  Ok I am done and it feels LOVELY.  

Then after this I did go and pamper my self with a pedicure and a manicure.  I felt like I needed and deserved it after that.  I picked really fun colors and had a great time.  

I went to dinner with Riley and Kyle because Kyle leaves for Iowa University on Sunday.

  I can not believe that my little Kyle is going off to college.  I have watched this little boy grow up to become a handsome young man.  We of course went where we always go... Flat top and we had a yummy meal.  We all laughed and caught up on each others lives.    I would say that our relationship is more like a sibling relationship.  We make fun of each other but in the end we would each haveeach others   back if anything every happened.  When we were leaving I gave college notes.  Don't drink the jungle juice unless you want to puke.  If you have a shot make sure you drink water.  When you are playing beer pong use water so the nasty ball dose not get in your drink.  Soco and Lime is the worst shot! eww!!! Try and remember how many drinks you have had.  Eat a hamburger and or something from McDonalds when you are hungover.  A coke will always help a hangover unless you had jack and coke or rum and coke the night before.  Don't walk home alone even when you are so drunk you think it is a good idea. Wear a condom and don't get a girl pregnant unless you want me to kick your ass.  You know just the usual! It was hard to say goodbye, I felt like I was 100.  But I know that he will do great things in his first year at IOWA!   Can't wait to go to the first swim meet at Northwestern.   

Here is a picture from a summer that I was his nanny! 

This is now! 

Staples out: on the mend

 On Monday I got my staples out.  The nurse said that it all looks really good. The site is almost closed and is only slightly open in some spots.   Pirc has to watch and make sure that the swelling continues to go down.  The nurse also said that I will be able to go back to work on Monday.

We got a great deal more info about the surgery from the RN today.  There were evidently 2 veins, no arteries, near the nerve.  She even provided the post op notes to us.  If I read the notes correctly, it appears that there was one vein pushing on the front of the nerve and one that may have affixed itself to the back side of the nerve that they had to remove.  

So the surgery was much more than they thought it was going to be before they started it.   But it does seem like it might be a good thing do to the fact it seems that it might work more.  

Sunday was the last day on the pain patch and I have been in a lot more pain than I have been.  I think that the pain patch was covering a lot more than I thought it was.  

Well that's all for now.   

A little bit of this...

I started the day with a massage.  Now let me tell you that it was not one of the massage that you relax in.  This was the type of massage that the massage therapist kicks your ass.  When my dad dropped me off he came up and told the therapist all about my surgery and the pain I was having.   I feel like I am 3 again.  But I can't hate on him he is just being a good Daddy and taking card of me.  The massage therapist then tried to work on my back and shoulders but he said that it was going to be a lot of work. He said that the surgery caused a lot of trauma and damage and that I will have a lot of pain a work to do.  My homework is to ice and heat my back and shoulders. I also have to do specific exercises.   After he was done I did feel a little better.  Nick was off work this morning and was able to pick me up.  

When is got home I had to sit down a do a lot of work that I had not been able to get done before I had my surgery.   I finished 4 documents and sent them on to my co worker who is going to print them for me.  

I have gotten addicted to the show "Orange is the New Black". I started it yesterday but I have already watched a freakish amount or episodes already.  It is a very entertaining and brilliant show.   I can not believe how well written it really is.  So I watched three episodes of the show when I was done with my work. I wanted to continue but my iPad died.  

Christie came by with things for our class. She also brought our cool new coach books for class.  I am so pumped that she brought then because I can look at them tomorrow.  This way I can really understand the new way to teach the curriculum.  I am so excited!   I am so thankful that she brought it to look over.   She also gave me the low down on what is happening at school.  I am so jealous of all that they are learning and feel that I am missing so much!

Nick came home about 5 and we decided to watch "Oceans 12".  But Clark did not want to watch the movie.  

Pain level and Update:

Right now my actual surgery site hurts pretty bad.  It aches more than burns.  My neck and shoulder is currently wrapped in a heating pad.   Pirc reminded me that a doctor did say that this was going to be a hard part.   A nurse said to try icey hot and so did my mom so we are going to pick some up tomorrow. 

I hate this because I feel like I am just bitching!   But it is the truth, maybe I will just start to sugar coat it or lie.  Maybe it  be psychological and I will really start to feel perfect.  Hmm something to think about.  

Walk on!

Tuesday... I decided today I needed to go for a walk. So all day I was asking people to take me for a walk.  I thought that it was best to go with some one else the first time I went for a walk. Then I know how it is and how long would be good.  

This morning I read a lot! I was very tired and for some reason even though I slept well I didn't feel to great.  The puppies really tried to help me stay calm and try to relax. 

After I read two book I decided I needed to get some work in.  I did some paperwork and then did tons or research.  I was trying to find a good lesson planning application that a connection to the common core standards.  I think I found one which is great.  I set up the app, it was not the most easy thing to set up either.  

Two of my coworkers/friends came to visit.  They also brought me a lovely gift. It was Relaxing cloths.  Haha everyone is trying to help me do that.   But it was so great to see Becky and Martha after a long summer.   They were a great distraction and great company.  Becky was of course excited to meet Clark and if you know anything about him Clark was pumped to meet her.   

When Nick got back from his workout I asked him if he would take Clark and I for a walk.  He said yes, how great is my brother!?   It was funny though it really made me feel like a dog even more.  Nick and I went on a three block walk and I was feeling pretty good.  The last block was a little rough.  But I did finish the whole three block walk.   

Around 7:30 I did have a severe amount of pain.  A lot of it was my neck pain but a lot of it was also coming from my surgery site.  I used a heating pad and that seem to help a lot.  

Tomorrow morning I am getting a massage to try and work on the really tight muscles.  I am a little worried about it though. 

Ok time for bed!